Why is communication so difficult for us?
Although communication is a skill we use daily from a young age, it can sometimes feel like an insurmountable challenge. A disagreement with a colleague, a misunderstanding with a loved one, or a sudden tension in a long-standing friendship can arise in our relationships no matter how hard we try.
Communicating can be particularly difficult in new situations, such as unexpected conflicts, uncomfortable changes, or unfamiliar social contexts. This is compounded by the fact that communication involves at least two people, and we cannot read minds or predict others' reactions.
All these factors make communication an intimidating task. However, for people who have experienced trauma, this challenge is even greater.
How past trauma affects current relationships
Our childhood and adolescent experiences largely define how we relate as adults. Trauma can significantly alter how we view ourselves, others, and relationships. This is because trauma affects our sense of safety and self-esteem, key elements for interacting with others.
A traumatic event not only changes self-perception; it can also impact how the brain processes information and social cues. People with trauma often live in a state of hypervigilance, making it difficult to focus on what others are saying. We may also misinterpret non-verbal cues in our daily interactions. Over time, these barriers can strain our relationships, which in turn limits the possibility of building the bonds of trust necessary for healing.
The influence of emotions on communication
Trauma survivors can experience intense and persistent emotions such as anxiety, anger, or depression. These emotional states influence not only how we communicate but also the frequency with which we do so. This can manifest in prolonged silences, frequent interruptions, or delays in responding to messages.
Sometimes, these overwhelming emotions can lead us to tense conversations or interactions that feel "one-sided." We are often aware of these patterns and feel a deep shame, wishing we could change but not knowing how. This can ultimately generate feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Examples of communication patterns
Here are some examples of how we experience these challenges. Do you identify with any of them?
- "For a long time, I struggled to say no, even when I didn't want to do something."
- "I resist expressing my opinions. If I detect the slightest criticism, I shut down and withdraw."
- "I used to suppress my emotions until I exploded and unloaded them on my friends. They felt overwhelmed and sometimes stopped responding to me."
- "My partner tells me that I need to listen more. I try, but I think it doesn't show."
- "When I meet new people, I get anxious and ramble. It's hard to connect with others, and that affects my work."
- "Abuse at 14 left me filled with fear. I fought against it by becoming an intimidating and combative person. I realize I was protecting myself from people I didn't trust, but now I fall back into that 'fight mode' unwillingly."
