Difficult relationship with the body, from conflict to listening

The importance of the relationship with your body.

Almost everyone, at some point, has felt uncomfortable or dissatisfied with their body. This dislike, criticism, or even resentment can come from many places: the unrealistic beauty ideals we see in the media, the expectations of our families or society, or the biases against different skin tones, features, or body types.

Given that our body and mind are deeply connected, negative perceptions can affect other areas of our life, such as self-esteem, self-compassion, and our overall well-being. Those feelings can make us lose sight of our body's function and all that it is capable of doing.

While most people experience some degree of discontent with their bodies, for individuals with childhood trauma (we include adolescence within this type of trauma), this conflict and tension can be much more intense.

The impact of childhood trauma on the relationship with the body

Childhood trauma resides in both the brain and the body. When this trauma occurs at a young age, while the brain and body are still developing, it can be especially devastating. In many cases, the trauma happens before or during puberty, before the child or adolescent understands body awareness. Although the body has normal physiological reactions, for example, to sexual stimuli, a survivor of abuse trauma may feel confused or ashamed by how their body reacted during the abuse, interpreting those natural responses as a betrayal.

Regardless of age, physical abuse (we will understand throughout the text physical abuse as both maltreatment and sexual abuse) is a violation of bodily autonomy. For a child or adolescent who is still forming their relationship with their own body, this violation can be particularly disorienting, leaving a deep mark.

Feelings of confusion, shame, fear, and betrayal can persist in the body for years, even decades after the abuse has ended. The physical, emotional, and sexual trauma of youth can continue to affect a person's relationship with their own body in adulthood.

This complex connection between the mind and the body can manifest in various ways. Below are some of the effects of trauma on the body:

Feeling of ownership over the body

The concept that the body belongs to oneself and to no one else is learned in childhood, along with respect for personal boundaries. However, physical abuse is a severe violation of those boundaries. As a result, many people may feel that they do not own their body, believing that another person has control or that their own desires and needs are unimportant.

Body shame

Body shame arises when a person believes that their body is to blame for the trauma, either due to messages from others or the perception that the body "failed." This shame can manifest as a feeling of betrayal regarding how the body responded to the abuse (arousal or freezing) or the belief that it "provoked" the abuser. While responses like paralysis are perfectly normal in the face of trauma, the survivor may feel ashamed of what their body did or did not do, and of the sense of powerlessness they experienced.

Body satisfaction

When early experiences with the body are tied to trauma, it can be difficult to feel satisfaction or pleasure with oneself. While many people feel dissatisfied with their body, for individuals with childhood trauma, this feeling runs much deeper. It affects not only how we see our body but also our overall sense of worth and capability.

Disconnection from the body

For some, the body becomes a constant reminder of the trauma. As a self-protection mechanism, they may detach from their body, avoiding sensations, physical functions, or bodily needs. This disconnection is a survival response that can persist long after the abuse to avoid memories or triggers. This lack of connection between the mind and body can hinder healing and even lead to health issues, as the person may not perceive pain or other signals from their body.

Physical health

Trauma can manifest in the body as physical ailments such as chronic pain, illnesses, or injuries. The anxiety, fear, or hyper-vigilance that survivors often experience can sometimes turn into physical symptoms such as nausea, shallow breathing, muscle tension, or chest tightness. Additionally, some may avoid physical activities because they require engaging with a body they feel disconnected from, which in turn can exacerbate their health problems.

Sexual attraction

Child sexual abuse can create deep discomfort and confusion about one's own sexual attraction. For some, being perceived as "attractive" can evoke a mix of emotions tied to trauma, such as fear, shame, pressure, or the need for control. For example, a simple compliment about our appearance can cause repulsion or insecurity. In other cases, the person may seek this external validation to fill an emotional void.

Objectification of the body

Due to the way they were treated, survivors sometimes internalize the idea that their body is just an object. This objectification can lead them to see themselves with disgust or shame, affecting their perception of being desirable or worthy of love. In other cases, this mindset can lead to the belief that their body is only for sexual purposes, which could result in risky or compulsive behaviors.

For all these reasons, a survivor's relationship with their own body is incredibly complex, often leading them to a deep discomfort with just existing in their own skin.

Tools to cultivate body kindness

Write to me and I will send you three resources from my method designed to help you strengthen your relationship with your body. Each one offers effective strategies to encourage a kinder and more respectful treatment of yourself.