Can trauma cause loneliness?
Childhood trauma can leave deep emotional wounds that persist into adulthood, such as betrayal, self-loathing, and depression. These aftereffects hinder connection with others and the formation of meaningful relationships.
For many survivors, the trauma came from someone known, someone who was supposed to protect them. This adds a sense of deep betrayal to the physical trauma, which can be exacerbated if the response from family or the judicial system was not supportive.
Because the trauma occurred while the brain was developing, survivors may also experience emotional numbness. The brain may have learned that “trust is dangerous” and that “connection leads to pain.” As a result, it seeks to avoid abandonment and betrayal in the future. This can manifest in various ways: some become emotionally distant, others cling to harmful relationships, or in many cases, avoid relationships altogether.
As Anna Runkle says:
“Being able to love but not able to maintain a normal affectionate relationship is a devastating price to pay for what has happened. But the good news is that we can make progress in this area if we intentionally act on it.”
How loneliness manifests
The concept of "alone time" is often seen as something positive, a moment to recharge or be productive. However, the loneliness experienced by survivors is different. For them, being alone is not a moment of satisfaction, but a painful state of isolation.
Examples:
- Georgina: avoids family events to not see her abuser, but deep down she misses her family.
- Beatriz: is shy and quiet, wanting to make friends but not knowing how, as she struggles to trust others.
- Bruno: has many dates but cannot name anyone he could trust in a crisis, as deep connections seem to not exist in his life.
- Elena: feels extreme anxiety before social events and prefers to stay home because being alone is easier and less exhausting.
- Tania: fears her partner will leave her, as she wonders who would want to be with someone who lashes out uncontrollably when frustrated.
- Sonia:, despite the great progress she has made in therapy, wishes she had someone besides her therapist to share her most intimate feelings with.
This loneliness has a double cost for the person: not only do they struggle with the wounds of the past, but they also deprive themselves of the joy and strength that come from human connection.
Is it worth connecting?
You may wonder if it is worth the effort to seek new relationships. It is common to think that it is easier to heal in isolation, but the truth is that complete healing cannot occur in solitude. Walking away from relationships was an important survival mechanism, but full recovery involves allowing others into your life and showing that they will not violate your trust.
Connecting with others brings multiple benefits:
- Support for healing: Social support can alleviate the emotional effects of trauma.
- Better quality of life: Increased social support is associated with a longer life and better quality of life.
- New perspectives: Hearing others' stories can give you new ways of viewing your own experience.
- Validation and self-esteem: Receiving validation from others helps boost your self-esteem.
- Helping others: The opportunity to love and support others in their healing process can be a way to heal yourself.
