How Trauma Affects the Way We Relate
The way we relate to others as adults is shaped in childhood. We observe the interactions in our environment and develop expectations about how relationships should be. Childhood trauma can significantly alter a survivor's perception of themselves, others, and what a relationship is.
This influence manifests in three key feelings:
1. Feelings of Betrayal
Childhood trauma often comes with a deep sense of betrayal, especially if the perpetrator was someone trusted. These feelings can make it difficult to trust someone again, leading to avoidance of relationships, even if it results in feelings of isolation. This distrust can also manifest as suspicion or anger.
On the other hand, some may have a need to regain trust and safety, driving them to trust people who haven't earned it. This makes them vulnerable to relationships that involve physical, psychological, or sexual abuse.
Examples:
- Gonzalo refuses to join a game night with his neighbors. Although it could help with his loneliness, he has been betrayed in the past and feels safer alone.
- Ester gets angry with her cousin over trivial matters and is suspicious of her because her family did not support her when she revealed she had been abused.
- Li Mei continues to tolerate hurtful comments from her coworker because she believes she is the one with the trust issue.
2. Feelings of Stigmatization
Misconceptions about childhood trauma can lead people to feel stigmatized, resulting in feelings of shame, low self-esteem, and devaluation. This may lead them to believe they are unworthy of love or a partner who respects them. This low self-esteem can prevent them from seeking relationships or cause them to distance themselves from those that are harmful to their well-being.
Examples:
- Eli feels that he cannot date someone he likes because he believes he is "damaged" and that no one would want a "problem" like him.
- Carla stays in a relationship with a man who treats her poorly because her abuser told her that no one else would want her.
- Pedro feels obligated to keep seeing his mother, even though visits leave him feeling depressed, because his mother reacted poorly when he revealed the abuse and he feels he caused her a problem.
3. Feelings of Powerlessness
Trauma can create what is known as "learned helplessness": the feeling of having no control over a situation and, therefore, no reason to try to change it. This feeling can affect adult relationships, causing people to stay in harmful relationships or avoid setting boundaries.
Even though how the other person responds is not under your control, it is important to remember that you do have the ability to change your situation. This is especially crucial if there is violence or physical abuse.
Examples:
- Carmen believes she cannot do anything to change her husband's behavior because she feels as powerless as she did when she was a child.
- Gemma freezes when her father wants to take her children fishing, believing she has no control over the situation, just as she had no control over her mother years ago.
- Jana packs her bags to leave her home after a fight with her partner, but decides to stay, convinced that any attempt to leave will be futile.
Can “Dysfunctional” Relationships be “Fixed”?
Each relationship is unique, and the best path depends on many factors. Some may strengthen with resources such as assertive communication or the help of a therapist. Others, for the well-being of everyone involved, may need to end.
Regardless of whether you have a trauma history or not, relationships are vital. Building a strong support system is a powerful foundation for healing. It is crucial to surround yourself with people you can turn to for guidance, validation, and empathy.
Resources to Help You Manage Dysfunctional Relationships
Contact me and you'll receive three recommendations from my Reposact method. Each of these recommendations are tools that can be effective in helping you manage dysfunctional relationships in your life.
